DQN Short Novel (Part 28)
Wherein an account of the secret lives of the Obama family devolves into incestuous misadventures and Touhou references.
This chapter contains 96 posts, 1677 words and 10,916 characters.
Chapter 37.9299292: Michelle Obama is Fat and Angry
The First Lady splayed her corpulent ass over the sofa and shoved another handful of Cheetos Puffs into her maw. Oprah was on TV, giving the business to some author.
"Only pussies read books." Michelle sneered around a mouthful of Cheetos cud. "Bunch of brainwashed sheep" while Phillip K. Dick was listening to Eddie Harris playing the music of some painfully obscure indie band.
Suddenly, the Sun was bright.
"Barack!" Michelle growled, "Close them damn shades! Momma's tryin' to watch her stories!"
Unfortunately, the shades remained stubbornly open, as President Obama was, once again, out golfing with his best buddy Saddam Hussein, who never actually died. Saddam scored a hole in one because an earthquake shook the entire course and reshaped the green. That earthquake also damaged a nearby bunker housing the weapons of mass destruction Michelle was hiding under the backyard of the White House. The weapons detonated, killing everyone in a 50km radius, vapourising their bodies and also killing their ghosts and completely erasing them from history forever.
Meanwhile, on a desolate mountainside in Kazakhstan, a portal to the Nether Potassium refinery was entered by a Nether Potassium ore transport truck. Driving this truck was the GSL, who was still trying to untangle herself from the sinister plot which had wrapped itself around her entire body. Fortunately, the GSL had brought the ultimate sinister-plot-detangler: called the plotestroyer, it was invented by the brother of the other mother of the non-existent child of the GSS and the GSL. Which is to say, it was invented by the GSS. Maybe. Probably. Perhaps. Unless, of course, it was not, which is entirely possible. But not very likely. Unless, of course, we're talking about the GSS. Which, of course, we are. Probably.
Anyway, booty gryphon.
Suddenly, a 777 GET tore out of the ground, splitting the mountain asunder!
"Good Heavens!" exclaimed the newly sentient plotestroyer, shortly before succumbing to the shock of simultaneously becoming aware of the concepts of life and death, which caused the plotestroyer to revert to a non-sentient state.
Meanwhile, the GSL was still tangled up in a sinister plot, so she put on a frilly dress and span around really, really fast - until suddenly she slammed into the wall and broke her ga-gantch detector. This meant that she could no longer detect ga-gantch without having to use her spare ga-gantch detector, which was a boring grey color unlike the broken one, which had been pink and had frilly lace and a floral pattern on it.
Just then, the sinister plot began to unravel. It unraveled like a ball of yawn in the tiny yet evil paws of the world's cutest kitten. Clouds of doubt fogged the weary detective's windshield as he navigated the rainy streets of his own mind. "Give me a sign I'm not dreaming," he said in vain desperation, looking to the sky in an ironic gesture.
As it just so happens, a sign that said "SIPS CO." was floating in the night sky. The detective was, however, too busy staring wistfully into the distance to notice it. The local grump turned 67 years old. Two away from 69 which is funny because sex. Being a 12 year old transported to an old man's body by aliens, the grump was looking forward to turning 69. He was grumpy because he had just discovered masturbation before being put inside the body of a man with a non-functioning penis.
Spying the grump, the detective snapped out of his scotch-addled daydreams and barked a barely intelligible message into his intercom:
"Target acquired. We got the bait ready?"
However, no one was listening on the other side as there was a parade going on. But not just any parade. It was a honky-tonk parade. Bystanders likened it to a melody played in a penny arcade. The detective saw straight through this "Robitussin Flavored Ice-cream" scam.
However, none of that mattered, as the GSL rolled the sinister plot up before anyone could even begin to care about the delusional detective and his brain problems.
Unfortunately for the GSL, her recent acts of godliness had completely ruined her false identity as a simple maid, and pretty much everyone knew she was actualy alive now, except for Baby Carpy and Shibbledy-Sharply. Nobody ever told them anything.
TRANSMISSION BEGINS HERE
WE HAVE RECEIVED A #@$^#% MESSAGE FROM THE *#(@# SECTOR SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMEDIATELY IMMED
TRANSMISSION ENDS HERE
Unfortunately, no one was at the computer or near any devices that could receive the transmission due to the parade goers destroying all electronics to make their so-called ice cream.
Meanwhile, Goscone and the other razorback hogs were Goscone. That is to say, they had capture a boy, who was denaceing around a golden statue of his godly sister. He hoped that his denace would be able to summon her so that she could sweep all those parade-goers back into the sinister plot she had just rolled up, and also so that her could give her her daily tsundere service. However, this boy, (who was of course none other than the GSS) would be unable to express his growing incestuous feelings today, since Goscone wanted to go for a walk and when Goscone wants to go for a walk you don't argue with Goscone.
By the time they returned from their walk, the GSL had put the kettle on, done a merry jig, and shot herself in the foot. Thankfully, it was only with a water pistol.
Who should wander in at that moment but a man with a .45 pistol. The GSL asked for the .45 then shot herself in the foot for real this time. Of course, being a god and all, the bullet didn't do much. The sound of the gun going off, however, attracted the attention of a donkey with a big butt, named Ba-Donk-a-Donk.
Arriving in a duster, carrying an even larger pistol, he collapsed under the combined weight of the pistol and his own butt and died.
The death of Ba-Donk-a-Donk just so happened to be one of the signals of the coming resurrection of hell's worst middle manager: Beady Eyes. Beady Eyes wandered into the room, the room wandered out.
"Where did they all go?" he pondered to himself.
Without warning, the entire cast of the hit Broadway show Orange Rhymes With Me committed one of the most heinous of sins: posting on 4chan!
Meanwhile in the galactic core, a man with a peculiarly shaped ear chose this moment to open his briefcase and whip out a Calaphon waffle iron and a banjo.
"I'll do it!" he shouted, to nobody in particular. "Don't try to stop me! I've done it!"
He did it. He really did it. And there is really nothing more to say on the matter.
A century and a half later, in the deepest darkest corner of the local curry joint, our hero died. While choking on curry, the GSL forgot she had powers to unchoke herself. Her body was immediately ground up by the cheap restaurant owner to be used in "vegetarian" curry.
Luckily, GSS rushed into the scene, and bought a vegetarian curry. The GSL regenerated just as the GSS was about to take his first bite - though while she was whole again, she did smell of curry sauce and had rice in her hair and undergarments. The GSS ate her anyway because he paid for that fucking curry and he was going to eat it. After eating his stomach was heavy. His body ingesting the GSL was causing them to fuse. They fused into the GST (Great Sky Trap), a combination of shota and loli.
However, the GSS's incestuous feelings made the GST attracted to himself, which made the fusion unstable and they quickly separated, but each caught a glimpse of the other's thoughts and feelings while they were one. The GSL saw what the GSS was truly feeling about her and so she made him some vegetarian curry.
"N-n-not like I made it for you because I love you or anything!" she said, blushing a deep red. "I just happened to have all these extra ingredients!"
"That tsundere act doesn't work at all since I just saw all your thoughts and feelings, you know," said the GSS with a knowing smile. "I know everything, including your fetish for dressing up like yourself and acting like a total bitch!"
"Oh no, by saying that, you've activated-a my Italiano thing. That-a sentence turns-a me Italian! Mama mia!"
Then they turned into Mario and Luigi and went questing for the magic mushrooms. However, the magic mushrooms they found were in fact de-Italianizing mushrooms and the godly duo were returned to their true forms.
Meanwhile, on planet ＧＪ！, Patchouli Knowledge had perfected the delicate art of subtly dropping Touhou references into short novels. Her first penis was abruptly cut o--
